I have been doing a lot of purging lately. Spring cleaning my existence. Asking myself to get to the essence of things. Letting things go that I don’t need and letting go into the goodness of life more and more. I offer you this piece of writing I did a few years ago while living in the quirky, gorgeous Bolinas, Ca.
LETTING THINGS GO WELL
At first I was furious with the Universe, secretly so
I blamed this whole dam spinning planet, myself included
for pinning me down and clipping my wings
for denying me love, my one true love
but I could not stay down that long
in faery years it is but a blink
but for a human it feels much longer
too long really…
but by and by
as water works her way around and in and through the most impenetrable surfaces
I give way
That I who thinks she is all that is
who thinks she is a superstar but in fact who doesn’t even believe in herself
she tumbles about as time passes
and the day comes
when she actually, for real, falls in love
and her heart beats the way it was meant to beat
strong and deep and true
and she, that SHE who is a we, who is never alone, who is whole
that she inside wakes up
and looks out of my eyes
and sees the world
how beautiful
how curious
how shimmering…and ever moving
do you see what I’m seeing!
do you see this?! she asks me
the ME who is too busy making breakfast, answering e-mails and figuring it all out
she asks me…do you see this!
it is a wonder…you are a wonder
Wow……………………
and for some time
this one
in me
sits and hums this wonder…this wow
because she can’t help herself
in fact she can’t stop
in fact she has always sung this song
and she will go on singing it
she is patient, this one
patient with me
for she knows I would get angry and defensive if she MADE me listen
and MADE me say and feel “Oh how wonderful…Oh how wondrous!” when I wasn’t ready to say and feel those things for real
So she waits
for she has no watch
and she cares little for time as we know it
she carries something that life itself can not live without for too awfully long
so she sits, and hums
and today, I woke up not myself
and wondered why
and instead of feeling upset by it, or feeling less than by it, I knew this time something must change
this gift of a life was seeping into me from all side now, almost gushing at me from across the room
and it took me a while
it took me eating that jar of almond butter before I calmed down enough to notice myself staring at me
with such enamored love
such wondrous beholding
such patience
such lust even
that I dropped my spoon on the floor
and decided that this was the day
that I would give myself over to myself
for real
not for fun, not as an intellectual exercise
but for real
as is
as I AM, with this pimple on my chin and too much almond butter in my tummy
AS IS
I decided I would surrender to her
because she is my one true love
my winged companion
always and forever she is my ecstatic partner
not at the expense of a he
for I long for him still
but it is now a different longing
more like an artist walking along the sea shore knowing she will eventually look down and find just what she is looking for right by her feet
by that piece of driftwood, nestled against that swag of fresh seaweed
There!…look!
what a WONDER
and She, with a great smile and immense warmth
returns to her cottage with this new magic
and finally
after long last
let’s things go well for her
perhaps for the first time.