I have been doing a lot of purging lately. Spring cleaning my existence. Asking myself to get to the essence of things. Letting things go that I don’t need and letting go into the goodness of life more and more. I offer you this piece of writing I did a few years ago while living in the quirky, gorgeous Bolinas, Ca.

 

LETTING THINGS GO WELL

 

At first I was furious with the Universe, secretly so

I blamed this whole dam spinning planet, myself included

for pinning me down and clipping my wings

for denying me love, my one true love

but I could not stay down that long

in faery years it is but a blink

but for a human it feels much longer

too long really…

but by and by

as water works her way around and in and through the most impenetrable surfaces

I give way

That I who thinks she is all that is

who thinks she is a superstar but in fact who doesn’t even believe in herself

she tumbles about as time passes

 

and the day comes

when she actually, for real, falls in love

and her heart beats the way it was meant to beat

strong and deep and true

and she, that SHE who is a we, who is never alone, who is whole

that she inside wakes up

and looks out of my eyes

and sees the world

how beautiful

how curious

how shimmering…and ever moving

do you see what I’m seeing!

do you see this?! she asks me

the ME who is too busy making breakfast, answering e-mails and figuring it all out

she asks me…do you see this!

it is a wonder…you are a wonder

Wow……………………

 

and for some time

this one

in me

sits and hums this wonder…this wow

because she can’t help herself

in fact she can’t stop

in fact she has always sung this song

and she will go on singing it

she is patient, this one

patient with me

for she knows I would get angry and defensive if she MADE me listen

and MADE me say and feel “Oh how wonderful…Oh how wondrous!” when I wasn’t ready to say and feel those things for real

 

So she waits

for she has no watch

and she cares little for time as we know it

she carries something that life itself can not live without for too awfully long

so she sits, and hums

 

and today, I woke up not myself

and wondered why

and instead of feeling upset by it, or feeling less than by it, I knew this time something must change

this gift of a life was seeping into me from all side now, almost gushing at me from across the room

and it took me a while

it took me eating that jar of almond butter before I calmed down enough to notice myself staring at me

with such enamored love

such wondrous beholding

such patience

such lust even

that I dropped my spoon on the floor

and decided that this was the day

that I would give myself over to myself

for real

not for fun, not as an intellectual exercise

but for real

as is

as I AM, with this pimple on my chin and too much almond butter in my tummy

AS IS

I decided I would surrender to her

because she is my one true love

my winged companion

always and forever she is my ecstatic partner

not at the expense of a he

for I long for him still

but it is now a different longing

more like an artist walking along the sea shore knowing she will eventually look down and find just what she is looking for right by her feet

by that piece of driftwood, nestled against that swag of fresh seaweed

There!…look!

what a WONDER

and She, with a great smile and immense warmth

returns to her cottage with this new magic

and finally

after long last

let’s things go well for her

perhaps for the first time.